I have decided...

Because of the schedule we run in the Griffith household I usually have a little time to get things done throughout the day, but it NEVER fails that when what I want to get done is a shower no one will sleep. So today even though the troops were restless I decided to hop in quickly. They were fed and warm and safe so I went for it. The minute my toe hit the water the twins began crying in stereo. I had a choice. I could step all the way in to the oh so inviting warm water and take a well overdue, well deserved shower or leave the bathroom and check on the twins for the umpteenth time only to find that they were just as I had left them with the addition of a few tears. I decided to shower. I know that is controversial, and that many of you reading this wouldn't have made the same decision, but there it is. I showered today. I rushed through it, barely feeling the steam or the warm water, I even decided shampooing my hair could wait another day. As I was rushing and feeling guilty that old envy began to creep up again. There are times when I am jealous of my husband.  Don't get me wrong, he works harder than anyone I know including me (okay maybe it's a tie), and he comes home ready to be the best dad he can be.  I am a little jealous of how he spends his time, and I am a lot jealous of his peace of mind. I am a little jealous that he gets to leave every day showered and dressed in clothes that are free of spit up and pee glancing in the mirror before he leaves and thinking "I look pretty good!" (which he does). I am a little jealous when I catch a glance of myself in the mirror and I am slightly horrified. I am a little jealous of fact that he gets adult conversations, respect, self assurance, etc from all of the time he spends at work, but I have to speak of my career in the past tense. I am a little jealous that I have been up 6 times before I wrote this sentence while I am sure he hasn't had trouble finishing a thought all day. I am a lot jealous that when he is at work, he knows without a doubt that someone who loves his children as much as he does is caring for them. He knows they are safe and loved with plenty of snuggles and kisses. He doesn't have to feel guilty because he has left the very best person in charge. He is at ease. He can breathe easily and focus on the day ahead. That is peace of mind. All of these "the grass is always greener" statements have been made by me, my friends and probably every mother ever. These conversations happen at play groups, Gymboree class, the food court at the mall, and book club (remember reading!). These conversations are cliched at best. They are not revelations. The struggles between dads who work and moms who stay home are written about in blogs and books by writers far more talented than me. And don't get me started on the working mother and what she thinks of all our complaining. Trust me, I have been her and you don't want to step to that. The working mom is operating on a whole other level, on a whole other playing field for a whole other team. Despite all the cliches and the jealousy I have decided: I am going to be grateful and joyful. I chose those words carefully. Those are two traits I really want to exemplify and pass along to my children. I am not just going to write it. I am not just going to say it, I am going to do my best to live it. I am going to show it to my family, and especially my husband. I have a lovely life. If the worst thing that happens in a day is that I have to rock a baby to sleep then I am a lucky person. When I start to feel jealous of my husband's time I am going to stop and be grateful for the time I have with my children and the memories we are making together. When I want to run screaming for the hills I am going to stop and tickle my four year old because her belly laugh always makes me smile. I will choose joy instead. When I start to feel guilty about choosing to take a quick shower despite crying children, I am going let myself off the hook because a happy mommy equals a happy home and a dirty mommy is almost never happy. I have decided.